Is it normal to be embarassed about being yourself?

This is from the 26th of October

This is a question I've asked myself so often I've forgotten the number of times. I often wonder if it's normal to question yourself, question why you like the things you like. I just recently got back from a session with driving school. My instructor Rhonda is awesome. We both love the same music and somehow, both have a slight crush on Paul Stanley of Kiss. Speaking of which, we are also fans of the same bands, including Kiss and Judas Priest. For some reason, if I'm talking about music, I'm like a kid at Christmas. I have so much enthusiasm for that. We both somehow think he's absolutely gorgeous for his age. And we both also think that Robert Plant and David Coverdale look very nice for their age. I, unlike my sometimes unusual mother, think those guys look just fine, that they don't look like they fell off the back of a truck and were run over repeatedly. And while we were driving, we talked about the rock and metal bands we love. I told her about some of the CDs I have, like Black Sabbath's Paranoid album, or how I recently bought Kiss' Monster album, or how I bought a CD of Led Zeppelin, Mothership. Or how I want to see that movie Detroit Rock City, because it takes place in one of my favorite decades, the 70s.


If this guy is somewhere near or exactly 70 years old, wow! He looks good still. He's still cute. Loooooove his cute English accent!! So sexy on guys!!!!




My favorite photo of him. He looks just fine for his age, I think

God, I love his brown eyes and everything attached ;)

But, when I come home, I feel like my mom is making fun of me behind my back. I feel like I sometimes can't be myself around her. She sometimes wonders why I listen to certain musicians, or why I think certain musicians are cute. She basically thinks I'm crazy because I said Paul Stanley was cute, when she calls him, and I quote, a "greedy Jewish a--hole, just like Gene Simmons". As if you can't imagine, my mom is biased, and I mean VERY biased. She seems not to like anyone because of their skin color, religious beliefs, etc. She stereotypes a lot. AND I DON'T LIKE THAT!!!!! That's not how I was raised, thank God. I was raised to treat others the same way I would like to be treated. She thinks their music is good, but that's it. She basically doesn't even like those two because she thinks just because they're Jewish, they're automatically greedy. To me, that is serious stereotyping. She says they're the ugliest guys in all of humanity, whereas if I look at Paul Stanley, if it were a cartoon, there'd be hearts floating around my head, lol.  It makes me sick to know my mom actually stereotypes people. It makes me sad to know she's like this. I guess I never noticed it until I got older. Nowadays, she thinks all black people are lazy, and it's all because of the actions of a few black people that they all get that bad rep

I feel stupid saying I listen to people like Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin, Kiss, Aerosmith, etc. I feel stupid saying I get excited when I start talking about music I love. I guess some part of me still wants to be liked. I guess that carries on from high school. What's wrong with me? Am I supposed to get excited when I hear my favorite song come on the radio? Am I supposed to get excited at the knowledge of going to see a favorite band in concert, not that that's actually happening? I mean, I feel out of place getting excited for listening to all those old bands. Maybe that's why I'm not popular with anyone. Maybe I should just give up being who I am and listen to what everyone else listens to. But, for some reason, I just can't do that. I just can't listen to rap. To me, rap is crap without the 'c'. Most of the music I listen to is apparently a shocker to her. Because here I am, this everything about the 1960s, 1970s, and 1980s loving girl, a total hippie chick, listening to heavy metal like Black Sabbath and Kiss, hard rock like Def Leppard and Aerosmith. Somehow to her it's a shocker I listen to Black Sabbath, known to all as "The Godfathers of British Heavy Metal" or Judas Priest, known as the "Metal Gods". I mean, now I know why I keep to myself a lot. Fear of being judged, I suppose. Also, she asked me if I write short stories. I love to write. I have that creative side of me that's real strong, I love writing. I basically lied and said I did it as an assignment for class


Led Zeppelin



Kiss

 



Black Sabbath. I just bought a book about the guy on the right, Tony Iommi



Aerosmith

I just sometimes wonder if it's normal for someone like me, a now 23 year old girl working in a law firm, to get excited because your favorite band comes on the radio and they just so happen to be from the 60s, 70s or 80s. I mean, when I got home, and my mom asked how the session went, I told her while we were driving, we were talking about some of the music we like and of course, she tells me that I'm not there to socialize, I'm there to learn. Which really put a bummer on me. She loves to make people feel guilty and stupid. And she thinks I'm basically strange because I don't like the same foods as her. Somehow, she loves chicken and dumplings. I tried it, I just can't stomach the sight of it. It makes me want to gag, even the smell of it makes me want to gag. And she never lets it go. She keeps saying "come on, try it. It's good." She must think I'm real stupid. Well, a little hint: I'M NOT! She says it's like chicken noodle soup. Ha! If she thinks that, like the Judas Priest song, "You Got Another Thing Coming". She seems to think I'm some ignorant little kid, makes me feel stupid, makes me feel guilty because I bought something I like. She likes to play the blame game too, always putting the blame on someone else. Well, guess what? She has some faults I could point out, but I'm not that kind of person. I believe in karma. I've had some good karma from doing good things and with that, I've had good luck. I want to keep the good luck ball rolling, and hopefully soon, I will be a licensed driver.

Somehow, every time I buy a CD, she wants to know what it is and if it's a musician she doesn't like, she gives me this look, basically thinking "Why did you buy that?" and usually that's what she'll say right after. When I bought a CD of Seal, because I adore his music, because it's very calming, with the R&B he does, I showed her, and she gave me this look and said "Why do you like him?" I told her I like his music, and she gave me this strange look that said "Ok, whatever." Sometimes, I really don't like my mom. She has this way about her that can instantly piss people off in two seconds flat. She don't like him at all. Says he's ugly. She doesn't realize that scarring on his face is his trademark; he's known for that, and plus the poor guy had lupus. That scarring is a side effect. But that's the way my mom is. Ignorance is bliss, I suppose

Recently, I went to Half Price Books and bought some books, along with this cute little Kiss plush doll I thought was cute. Of course, it was of my favorite one, the 'Starchild'. I kept it hidden from her because I know how she is. And one day, when I got home from work, she found it in the bag I bought the books in and asked what it was and I felt stupid saying I bought a doll of a Kiss member. She probably thinks I'm the strange one in her family, the black sheep, so to speak. But the doll makes me laugh, which in turn cheers me up


It's so cute!! It even has hair on the chest, like the real guy, lol

No one else, at least my age, listens to the stuff I listen to. I feel like a stranger, out of place listening to the music I love. I'm proud to say I listen to Black Sabbath, and all those old rock/metal bands. I'm proud to say I read books about them and know things about them. I'm proud to say I'm a walking, talking rock/metal history book. And it's not just the music tastes either. She questions why I like to read certain types of books. She says I'm just like my dad because I read biographies. My dad used to read biographies about people a lot. Well, a lot of the ones he read were about actors. Me, I like to read books about certain actors, but mostly musicians. Some of the ones I have are on Steven Tyler, Ronnie Wood from the Stones, Mick Jagger from the Stones, 2 on Kiss, one on the Stones, Slash from Guns N' Roses, soon I'll have one on Tony Iommi from Black Sabbath because I ordered it today from Half Price Books, Jet Li, a Chinese actor I like, Robert De Niro, which was my dad's. She also questions why I watch certain stuff on TV. I feel stupid when she asks how Law and Order UK got on the DVR and I tell her it's my recording. She asks me, with that look of hers "Why did you record that?" Usually my response is "I like it. It's a good show." She'll respond by saying "Ok, whatever".