Weekend at Bernie's quotes

Weekend at Bernie's

Richard Parker: Well, you're a half hour late.
Larry Wilson: Only half hour? I'm usually forty-five minutes late. I'm early today.

Richard Parker: This is the note. Listen. "Richard Parker and I stole this money from the company to pay for my sex-change operation."
Larry Wilson: What?
Richard Parker: That's what it says.
Larry Wilson: "Now he tells me he loves someone else. I can't live with that, and niether will he." It's got my name written on it!
Richard Parker: Oh God.
Larry Wilson: Son of a bitch. I mean, it's not bad enough that he's trying to kill me. Now he's trying to turn me into a drag queen. Why couldn't he have said you were going to have the operation?
Richard Parker: It doesn't matter, Larry, it doesn't matter.
Larry Wilson: Oh, yes it does matter, Richard, it does matter. I have a reputation to protect here!
Richard Parker: For Christ's sake, Larry! No one is going to have a sex-change operation, huh?
Larry Wilson: Oh yeah. I've gotta call the cops!

Larry Wilson: [Paulie enters the beach house and shoots Bernie] Company...
Richard Parker: I didn't see anything. I was looking at my watch.
Larry Wilson: [closes eyes and waves hands] I'm blind!
Richard Parker: [Paulie, unconvinced, points his gun at Richard and Larry and pulls the trigger - but the chamber is empty] It's not loaded.
Paulie, Vito's Hit Man: That's right.
[opens up jacket, revealing another gun]
Paulie, Vito's Hit Man: But this ain't!

Larry Wilson: I have an idea!
Richard Parker: [shouting] What? What is it?
Larry Wilson: Lomax told whoever he was talking to not to kill us while he's around.
Richard Parker: Yes, but Bernie's dead. He's not around anymore.
Larry Wilson: Yeah. I know that. You know that. Nobody else knows that.

Larry Wilson: You're gonna need my apartment.
Richard Parker: Oh no, I couldn't do that to you.
Larry Wilson: Rich, if she finds out you live with your parents you're gonna embarrass yourself.
Richard Parker: Yeah I know. But still, I just... couldn't.
Larry Wilson: It's the coackroaches isn't it?
Richard Parker: Well...
Larry Wilson: They scatter when the light goes on.

Larry Wilson: "A little brown-nosing, a little ass-kissing, work our way up that corporate ladder?" WHY can't you be a lazy shit like I am?

Larry Wilson: [as Richard and Larry are trying to get away in Bernie's boat, Bernie's body falls into the water] Man overboard!