Is it normal to be embarassed about being yourself?

This is from the 26th of October

This is a question I've asked myself so often I've forgotten the number of times. I often wonder if it's normal to question yourself, question why you like the things you like. I just recently got back from a session with driving school. My instructor Rhonda is awesome. We both love the same music and somehow, both have a slight crush on Paul Stanley of Kiss. Speaking of which, we are also fans of the same bands, including Kiss and Judas Priest. For some reason, if I'm talking about music, I'm like a kid at Christmas. I have so much enthusiasm for that. We both somehow think he's absolutely gorgeous for his age. And we both also think that Robert Plant and David Coverdale look very nice for their age. I, unlike my sometimes unusual mother, think those guys look just fine, that they don't look like they fell off the back of a truck and were run over repeatedly. And while we were driving, we talked about the rock and metal bands we love. I told her about some of the CDs I have, like Black Sabbath's Paranoid album, or how I recently bought Kiss' Monster album, or how I bought a CD of Led Zeppelin, Mothership. Or how I want to see that movie Detroit Rock City, because it takes place in one of my favorite decades, the 70s.


If this guy is somewhere near or exactly 70 years old, wow! He looks good still. He's still cute. Loooooove his cute English accent!! So sexy on guys!!!!




My favorite photo of him. He looks just fine for his age, I think

God, I love his brown eyes and everything attached ;)

But, when I come home, I feel like my mom is making fun of me behind my back. I feel like I sometimes can't be myself around her. She sometimes wonders why I listen to certain musicians, or why I think certain musicians are cute. She basically thinks I'm crazy because I said Paul Stanley was cute, when she calls him, and I quote, a "greedy Jewish a--hole, just like Gene Simmons". As if you can't imagine, my mom is biased, and I mean VERY biased. She seems not to like anyone because of their skin color, religious beliefs, etc. She stereotypes a lot. AND I DON'T LIKE THAT!!!!! That's not how I was raised, thank God. I was raised to treat others the same way I would like to be treated. She thinks their music is good, but that's it. She basically doesn't even like those two because she thinks just because they're Jewish, they're automatically greedy. To me, that is serious stereotyping. She says they're the ugliest guys in all of humanity, whereas if I look at Paul Stanley, if it were a cartoon, there'd be hearts floating around my head, lol.  It makes me sick to know my mom actually stereotypes people. It makes me sad to know she's like this. I guess I never noticed it until I got older. Nowadays, she thinks all black people are lazy, and it's all because of the actions of a few black people that they all get that bad rep

I feel stupid saying I listen to people like Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin, Kiss, Aerosmith, etc. I feel stupid saying I get excited when I start talking about music I love. I guess some part of me still wants to be liked. I guess that carries on from high school. What's wrong with me? Am I supposed to get excited when I hear my favorite song come on the radio? Am I supposed to get excited at the knowledge of going to see a favorite band in concert, not that that's actually happening? I mean, I feel out of place getting excited for listening to all those old bands. Maybe that's why I'm not popular with anyone. Maybe I should just give up being who I am and listen to what everyone else listens to. But, for some reason, I just can't do that. I just can't listen to rap. To me, rap is crap without the 'c'. Most of the music I listen to is apparently a shocker to her. Because here I am, this everything about the 1960s, 1970s, and 1980s loving girl, a total hippie chick, listening to heavy metal like Black Sabbath and Kiss, hard rock like Def Leppard and Aerosmith. Somehow to her it's a shocker I listen to Black Sabbath, known to all as "The Godfathers of British Heavy Metal" or Judas Priest, known as the "Metal Gods". I mean, now I know why I keep to myself a lot. Fear of being judged, I suppose. Also, she asked me if I write short stories. I love to write. I have that creative side of me that's real strong, I love writing. I basically lied and said I did it as an assignment for class


Led Zeppelin



Kiss

 



Black Sabbath. I just bought a book about the guy on the right, Tony Iommi



Aerosmith

I just sometimes wonder if it's normal for someone like me, a now 23 year old girl working in a law firm, to get excited because your favorite band comes on the radio and they just so happen to be from the 60s, 70s or 80s. I mean, when I got home, and my mom asked how the session went, I told her while we were driving, we were talking about some of the music we like and of course, she tells me that I'm not there to socialize, I'm there to learn. Which really put a bummer on me. She loves to make people feel guilty and stupid. And she thinks I'm basically strange because I don't like the same foods as her. Somehow, she loves chicken and dumplings. I tried it, I just can't stomach the sight of it. It makes me want to gag, even the smell of it makes me want to gag. And she never lets it go. She keeps saying "come on, try it. It's good." She must think I'm real stupid. Well, a little hint: I'M NOT! She says it's like chicken noodle soup. Ha! If she thinks that, like the Judas Priest song, "You Got Another Thing Coming". She seems to think I'm some ignorant little kid, makes me feel stupid, makes me feel guilty because I bought something I like. She likes to play the blame game too, always putting the blame on someone else. Well, guess what? She has some faults I could point out, but I'm not that kind of person. I believe in karma. I've had some good karma from doing good things and with that, I've had good luck. I want to keep the good luck ball rolling, and hopefully soon, I will be a licensed driver.

Somehow, every time I buy a CD, she wants to know what it is and if it's a musician she doesn't like, she gives me this look, basically thinking "Why did you buy that?" and usually that's what she'll say right after. When I bought a CD of Seal, because I adore his music, because it's very calming, with the R&B he does, I showed her, and she gave me this look and said "Why do you like him?" I told her I like his music, and she gave me this strange look that said "Ok, whatever." Sometimes, I really don't like my mom. She has this way about her that can instantly piss people off in two seconds flat. She don't like him at all. Says he's ugly. She doesn't realize that scarring on his face is his trademark; he's known for that, and plus the poor guy had lupus. That scarring is a side effect. But that's the way my mom is. Ignorance is bliss, I suppose

Recently, I went to Half Price Books and bought some books, along with this cute little Kiss plush doll I thought was cute. Of course, it was of my favorite one, the 'Starchild'. I kept it hidden from her because I know how she is. And one day, when I got home from work, she found it in the bag I bought the books in and asked what it was and I felt stupid saying I bought a doll of a Kiss member. She probably thinks I'm the strange one in her family, the black sheep, so to speak. But the doll makes me laugh, which in turn cheers me up


It's so cute!! It even has hair on the chest, like the real guy, lol

No one else, at least my age, listens to the stuff I listen to. I feel like a stranger, out of place listening to the music I love. I'm proud to say I listen to Black Sabbath, and all those old rock/metal bands. I'm proud to say I read books about them and know things about them. I'm proud to say I'm a walking, talking rock/metal history book. And it's not just the music tastes either. She questions why I like to read certain types of books. She says I'm just like my dad because I read biographies. My dad used to read biographies about people a lot. Well, a lot of the ones he read were about actors. Me, I like to read books about certain actors, but mostly musicians. Some of the ones I have are on Steven Tyler, Ronnie Wood from the Stones, Mick Jagger from the Stones, 2 on Kiss, one on the Stones, Slash from Guns N' Roses, soon I'll have one on Tony Iommi from Black Sabbath because I ordered it today from Half Price Books, Jet Li, a Chinese actor I like, Robert De Niro, which was my dad's. She also questions why I watch certain stuff on TV. I feel stupid when she asks how Law and Order UK got on the DVR and I tell her it's my recording. She asks me, with that look of hers "Why did you record that?" Usually my response is "I like it. It's a good show." She'll respond by saying "Ok, whatever".

Day 1: Person You Can Trust

The one person I trust more than anyone is my mom. I know I can come to her about anything and hopefully she does not judge. But sometimes, she has this way of making anyone a nervous wreck. I'm kinda glad she didn't come with me when I went driving for the first time. I love her dearly, but my God! She can make anyone nervous. She has this intimidating feel about her sometimes. If I had a photo of her to upload, I'd do it. But I don't have any photo to upload. I'll just describe her for you. She's 52, with ash blonde hair and blue eyes. Her teeth are better than mine and she's an inch shorter

Dear Santa...

I know I'm a little old to be asking Santa for something for Christmas, but maybe he'll bring me something, idk.

Here's my 'Santa List'

Dear Santa

What do I want for Christmas, you may ask? All I want for Christmas is for me and my mom to find jobs. For her, a job that she will like, that will pay good, and also have employees who pull their weight, instead of sitting around daydreaming, texting and shooting the breeze. Because recently, her own boss Nick screwed any chances she could have had at a job. He said that she tends to get a little upset when she is overwhelmed with work. Seriously? Who doesn't get upset when they get overwhelmed? That is not right of him to do that. So please, help her get a good job. What I want is nothing more than to find a job. I was holding some high hopes that this local bank called Fidelity Investments would call me back if they were interested in me as a possible future employee in the mail room at the Taylor Mill location. I was told by one of the HR reps there that a phone interview would be conducted at 3pm. That came and went. No 3pm phone interview yet. So, I'm givin' up hope on that one! Please help me find a job, along with my mom! She needs it just as bad as I do. And really, that's it. That's all I want. I don't want any material possessions, don't need 'em. Just help me and my mom find a job

My Biggest Wish?

Continuation of a tag post

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, you're kidding right?

I have so many wishes I'd love to come true it would make your head explode. Well, here goes nothing

To be beautiful; have someone say I'm beautiful and have some meaning behind it and not just say it to be nice

Wouldn't mind seeing The Stones in concert, as long as it's not too much to ask. I kow I've said I wanna see them in previous posts, but I wouldn't mind seeing them. Everyone seems to get what they want. Why can't I have a little happiness in my life? I know it seems like I'm asking for the moon, but believe me, I'm not. I'm asking for a little tiny star, lmao!!

Graduate college and get the hell out of this stupid school. Gateway SUCKS!

Have some money tucked away to do stuff I like

Win the lottery and help out family

Actually have a job in Graphic Design and actually like it. Definitely screen printing (making T-shirts and stuff, even though my mom says it's not a real job. Gotta have something worth hoping for)

Meet someone famous

Why Do Things Never Work Out For Me?

God, I hate how things turn out sometimes. I was really hoping to watch some Law and Order: UK the other day. Well, that plan went down the tubes!! My stepdad was off work, strike one and my sister got home early from school, strike 2. So basically, I got to watch 20 minutes of an episode I didn't know what it was about because I missed the beginning. Now, it's on next Wednesday, and I'm really hoping my sister has to work and my stepdad has to work so at least I'll be able to watch it. Sometimes I wonder why it is that I can never watch what I want in my own home. I have to practically be secretive to watch anything. Because if I watch something I like and no one else likes it, they question me. Saying things like "Why are you watching this? It's stupid!" In my house, the only time I can really do what I want is when I'm home alone, which is rarely, if ever. Almost 100% of the time, it's either my stepdad always home, my mom always home or my sister always home. So in reality, I never can do what I want. I'll be so glad when I can get a laptop. So that way, I can watch episodes of shows that I like without anyone questioning it and calling it stupid or worse, turning it off or changing the channel. I love my family, don't get me wrong, but sometimes they really just annoy me. I feel like they make fun of me behind my back without me knowing it.

Well, hopefully next Wednesday, I'll be home by myself and be able to watch some Law and Order: UK without someone coming in and saying this is stupid!!!

One More Week, Just One More Week Until...

I go on vacation

Yup, that's right! I'm going on vacation!!!! My first trip outside the US. I thought this day would never come. Well, maybe this is the start I need to visiting places outside the US! Well, I've already decided that my 2nd major trip outside the US is going to be to London. IDK what it is about this city that fascinates me so, but I just really wanna see it.

I'm going here! To Cancun, Mexico. And to make my trip better, the hotel my family was originally supposed to stay in is somehow under construction, so we got an upgrade- to jr. suites!! My sister went nuts for that, especially after finding out the room has a big screen TV, so she can watch cartoons in Spanish. And another thing, since me and my sis are in a room by ourselves, we get our own beds. Hehe, sweet! Whenever I've gone on family vacations before, me and my sis always had to share a bed, and believe me, that's not fun. She does what I call "spread eagling" , where she spreads out and takes up the bed. And before I know it, I have some part of her boyd on me, whether it be her arm across my throat or something. And also, since we already paid for the vacation, we don't need to pay for the upgrade. And, whew! That's good too, considering it's $1600 a person. Forget that! I'm glad we paid in advance! I'm going on a much needed vacation!! The first thing Im doing when I get down there is go and find some authentic Mexican food, try an authentic, Mexican-made taco, omg, it's gonna taste sooooooooooooooooooo good!!

Want to Relax? Unwind? Here's Some Ways How...

Relaxation

1. Drink green tea
2. Take a nap
3. Go outside
4. Get fresh air
5. Get some sun
6. Take deep breaths
7. Watch TV
8. Listen to classical music(You gotta be kidding! My recommendation would be something like jazz, soul, R&B, Latin music. More calming)
9. Go to the gym
10. Eat more fruit and veggies
11. Go for a walk
12. Eat something healthy
13. Talk to a friend or family member
14. Do some muscle exercises
15. Read a favorite blog
16. Call your mother
17. Read a magazine about something you like or some kind of travel
18. Go somewhere with an amazing view
19. Don't drink so much coffee!
20. Drink more water. Your body will thank you, not to mention your kidneys!
21. Go swimming or go for a spa day
22. Get a massage! Nothing says relaxation like a good ol' muscle rub!
23. Open the darn windows!! Let the fresh air in!
24. Listen to calming music on MP3/iPod
25. Clean your room so it's not messy when it's time to hit the hay(go to sleep)
26. Take a day off work!
27. Go to the nearest beach and walk in the shallow water. Nothing says calm also like the sound of rushing waves
28. Drink lemon ginger tea. Those Chinese are quite clever on relaxation
29. Get a stress ball and squeeze it to relax
30. Watch a funny movie/TV show
31. Eat some Chinese noodle soup
32. Read a favorite book
33. Meditate
34. Go to a sporting event you like
35. Get a game system(Xbox 360, Wii, PlayStation 2 or 3, etc) and just play games for an hour or so.
36. Go out and study a topic that fascinates you but does not relate to your source of stress
37. Take a hot shower and let the room steam up
38. Go to a favorite restaurant and eat a meal you like
39. Plan a vacation to a desired destination, one you have always wanted to go to
40. Stop eating so much sugary stuff. It'll give you the jitters
41. Unsubscribe to blogs that you don't really need or read as much as other ones
42. Stop reading the News Feed on social networking sites
43. Pick up a hobby you dropped
44. Drink warm milk
45. Turn on music and dance like no one else is around but you

Here are some of my stress breakers:
Hug a stuffed animal. Nothing says calm like a big, smushy teddy bear, stuffed dog, alligator or stuffed bulldog


Bulldogs!

I love big, smushy teddy bears. they have to be really fuzzy though



I have one just like this at home. I thought it was an Australian dingo, nope. It's an African Wild Dog. I still call it a dingo; I even named it something Australian: Hugh, after an actor I like



I have one like this too

Aww, pugs!!

-Watch a funny movie or TV show. For me, watching Mr. Bean, Wallace and Gromit or Monty Python and the Holy Grail always does it in for me. By the end, my eyes are watering I'm laughing so hard!

-Listen to music. My recommendation: Like I said up above, R&B, jazz, soul, Spanish guitar, Latin, Oriental flute music, or just any kind of Asian music in general usually does perfect.

Seal. My "go-to" guy for R&B

-Play video games. Play something like Just Dance Summer Party, Just Dance 2 or some kind of motion game for the Wii system if you have it. If you're up and moving, you'll relax by burning out that stress through sweating!!

-Read a book you like. Since I read virtually every book I own, that one is out, lmao!!!

The Weekend is Here! So What!

If I sound oh so excited for the weekend, I'm really not. I'm just hiding the fact I'm dreading it under happiness. Ay yi yi, so much drama in the little Stones girl household! My step dad is acting like an enormous kid, won't stop encouraging his, pardon my French, dumb-ass nephew to stop bugging my mom. I swear this kid is freaking mental!!! He's as dumb as a post, he acts younger than his actual age, and the main thing: HE NEVER LISTENS! You tell him not to do something, he stands there and still does it anyway.

Like last night, me, my mom, grandma, step dad were all sitting outside with his cousins Randy and Alice, and they were talking about their upcoming trip to Holland. They travel a lot and anyway, they were talking about this trip, they're really excited for it and my step dad's nephew has some kind of fascination with wanting to climb the chimney of his house. We all are telling him "Nick, don't do that. You're gonna get hurt." But does he listen? Hell no, he doesn't. He gets up there and sitting there, pretty much mocking us. I'm started to get pretty damn annoyed of this kid. His grandparents spoil this kid rotten. He's 10 and he already has an iPod Nano. Most kids my age didn't get an iPod Nano until 16. What the hell is a 10 year old going to do with an iPod? Most kids don't discover what kind of music they like at least until 13 or 14. And to boot, this kid also has a Nook. Which for those of you who may or may not know, a Nook is an electronic tablet for reading electronic books or e-books. He has these sound effects downloaded on it and there's this one that really hurts my ears. It's this blood curdling, ear-shattering scream. He would constantly press it, filling the room with a scream that would put a Banshee to shame. I ask him nicely to stop doing it and he keeps doing it. I finally ended up shouting "Nick stop it! Otherwise I'm throwing that Nook into the pool!" Of course, I got my back end reamed in for saying that. Nick is the 'pride and joy' there; he can do no wrong. But for some reason, he never tells his nephew to stop bugging the hell out of us.

And for some reason, I think this weekend is going to be VERY long. To add insult to injury, my step dad is pretty much constantly reminding everyone of the "gift" my mom is giving him for their anniversary: a colonscopy. He has to get this done to check for colon cancer. And of course, always the joker, my step dad is joking about it. You know, after a while, the jokes get real old, real fast. I see what my mom goes through with his joking and I don't know what to do. I'm really afraid they'll divorce. I don't want that. I already went through the divorce of my mom and dad, I don't want another divorce too!! And plus, with September coming fast, we're all gearing up for a very much needed vacation. We're all going to Mexico. I think we all really need to recharge. We all have our private hells we're in: Me not finding a job; my step dad and money troubles and stupid people at work; My mom possibly losing her job to a younger, more inexperienced person and money troubles; and my sister, nothing seems to bother her. We all have our passports and we all joke around about the photos. My step dad is convinced he looks like a mobster, in which he certainly does not, my mom was smiling funny in her photo because my step dad was cracking jokes, mine was good because the glasses I normally wear have Transitions lenses in them that turn to sunglasses outside and regular glasses inside and I was tan, and my sister was smiling funny as well because she was thinking of something funny. My step dad jokes around with her and my mom about not getting into Mexico with photos like that.

After this fighting, sometimes I feel like there was something I should have done, but what can I do? I mean, I'm getting just as annoyed of this kid as my mom is, but I can't tell him off. He'll go running to his drunken lush of a mother anyway. When my grandma's sister Rita was still alive, she barely took care of her. It was me, my mom and step dad taking care of her, cleaning her up, getting her to the bathroom, walking her to HER house. But what was my step dad's sister Carol doing? Drinking! She drinks like a fish! She's constantly drunk. And this really pisses me off! When all of us were clearing out the backyard, to open the pool, she said she was going to help us. But she was not present. She was at a yard sale with this stoner, lush friend of hers named Jackie. She was out and about while we were all breaking our backs in the yard, sweeping up sticks and stones, and general cleanup. And might I add that the house my step dad's sister, named Carol, lives in was her mother's sister Rita's house? After Rita died, she took all the money Rita had and it went into the house. So basically, when my grandmother passes, him, Jeananne, Noah(her son) won't have anything. They';ll get nothing because Jeananne's sister took all the money for herself.

And now those 2 are fighting. Supposedly, Nick saw Noah(Jeananne, my step dad's sister's son) stumbling up the driveway. Now, if you've ever seen this driveway, you will stumble up it, drunk or sober. Anyway, Nick "claims" that he saw Noah stumbling up it from his bedroom window, making loud noises and being idiotic. So he runs to his mama like a little baby, saying Noah is drunk. He makes an assumption like that without knowing the facts. And Carol waits until the next day, calling Jeananne at work, and tells her. Then Jeananne reams Carol in for not telling her immediately, and she starts dredging up old news about Noah "supposedly" stealing money from Nick, or "stealing" vodka from Jeananne. He did it once and that's that. But Carol accuses Jeananne of not seeing anything and Jeananne accuses Carol of not doing her job as a parent, not taking care of her kids and getting drunk all the time. I'm siding with Jeananne on this one. I've never seen Noah do any of this stuff, but then again, I hardly know him. But I absolutely refuse to believe what I hear until I know the facts. I don't assume. But, it's like World War III with those 2. The less of Carol and Nick I have to see, the better. I hate going there and seeing those 2. Nick is supposed to be 10, but he acts alot younger, like 5. He'll take a glass, stick the edge in his mouth and make immature noises. He's so stupid, I hate him being there! He makes noises like a kid with mental issues or something, he acts so completely dumb and ignorant. Wait, maybe he's not acting? Maybe he really is dumb and ignorant? IDK what that kid's issue is, but I'm getting highly annoyed of him real quick! He "borrows" stuff from my grandma, but he never returns it; he automatically assumes it's his now. He leaves his nasty, dirty socks on the ground outside at his grandma's house, like it's his own personal laundry room, leaves his toys and things outside, destroys other people's things by "breaking" them and "fixing" them. He also likes to think he's right. He'll argue something to the death until he can prove he's right and everyone else is wrong. I've had my fair share of arguments with him, but out of a headache(called Nick), I just back out and let him win, leaving a smile on my face because I know the truth and he doesn't.

And to top that, my grandma's dog is dead. We had to put the little, well, I shouldn't say little, he was pretty big. Well, any who, we had to put the dog, Bandit, down. Every time I go there, I wait for his barking and him to come so I can scratch his ears. He loved that the most. I miss him. I cry every time I think about him. I'm crying a little right now thinking about him. And what really pisses me off is Carol's other son, Michael, constantly hit that dog "by accident" when he was playing around on the Wii system in the living room. My mom caught him hitting Bandit. It's no wonder Bandit hated kids; Michael had something to do with it, not to mention what I call "The Dork Patrol" across the street. I may have mentioned this in an earlier post. The Dork Patrol is this group of about, I'd say, maybe 3-4 kids who all own bikes, with big orange flags on the back. Biggest nerd alert EVER! Every time Bandit was out, they'd make it their mission to terrorize him, to tease him. I caught them doing it one day and I yelled to them "Don't let me catch you doing that again, otherwise I'm calling your parents on you!" That stopped them for a while, but then they picked up again. God, I really miss that dog. He was such a silly little thing, you couldn't help but love him. He loved being scratched behind his ears. You did that, and he was your friend for life. He also loved belly rubs. He always rolled over to his side so you could scratch and rub his belly and he'd be in 7th heaven. But now he's gone, and I'm pretty sure my step dad's sister Carol is all giggles and smiles. She hated that dog because she could never bring friends over. He'd bark at them. And plus, her bastard son Michael hit him all the time. He hated that dog. Well, guess what? I hate Michael, I hate his mom and his brother Nick. Their dad Donnie has his moments, but I like him. He's a firm, strong believer in family, and he doesn't take crap from anyone. He's the only one in that house I have respect for. He loved Bandit, he treated Bandit better than anything. But, most of all, I miss that dog Bandit. Sometimes I can't sleep at night because I think about all the stuff I should have done with him, spent more time if I could have, taken him for walks, IDK. But he's in a better place. He's not suffering, he's asking my grandma's husband Gene to scratch his ears and rub his belly, he's asking Rita to feed him treats and play fetch with him or just feed him in general. He's asking both of them to love him as we all did.

When It Rains, It Pours (Literally)

This week has been the most hectic week of my life. As I have said in my post When It Rains, It Pours,  I mentioned my dad was sick. Well, not anymore. He died at 5:30 Monday morning from pneumonia. I'm really convinced that those asshole doctors should have given him a damn pneumonia shot. Sorry I seem a little irritable about this, I'm still in the initial shock of losing my dad. And then it's WW III between my mom and aunt. They keep saying things about each other behind their backs. Yeah, my dad died. I couldn't stop crying at the funeral, and if you were there, you would have noticed everyone was in their own little groups, like for example, the people from US Bank where my dad worked, the people from 1st shift and days were together talking, then my aunt Lisa and her clan were there talking bad about Harriet and Brenda, 2 of closest adult friends whom I've known for my entire life, and the reason they were talking bad about these 2 lovely ladies is they are black and my aunt Lisa and her clan are all racist idiots anyway and then people in my mom's family begging me and my sis to keep the house, But guess what? I know NOTHING about owning a house and I can't seem to find a job because I'm competing with the people out there who have families to support and they are fighting for jobs as well. And to make things a little more stressful, I have to move in with my mom because I had been living with my dad and now my school sent me a bill for tuition saying that if I don't pay $1200 by Oct. 7, they'll send collection people after me. Well, guess what? I don't have that kind of money right now so I'm going to tell them that they will just have to wait because I have alot on my plate right now. I thought this was the beginning of my student loan payments, nope and I thought that it might also be financial aid, nope. I started thinking WTF? What happened to my student loan that was supposed to start paying for this stuff? If that loan has not covered anything, then it was useless applying for it in the first place!!!

But the week my dad went in to hospital, when I went home, I did things to take my mind off them, like last Friday when he went in for the first time, I went home and watched both Ned Kelly, and I mean the old one with Mick Jagger in it and also Freejack. I had a regular Mick Jagger day, lol. I forgot how sexy he is when he talks. And something that's a little funny is in Ned Kelly, he has an Irish accent, that's a little funny, but also strangely sexy at the same time. I couldn't help but get turned on seeing him in Ned Kelly and in Freejack, when he's a little older, and definitely cuter. IDK why, but I've been in a Mick Jagger mood lately, listening to the Stones more and for some strange reason, the music of the Stones is strangely relaxing to me, if I want to calm down and relax, I listen to the Stones, I'm pathetic I know, but their music is soothing to me I guess.

Sorry, I know I'm a sad little person, but I've been watching alot of movies with this guy in it lately, IDK why!! And plus, I just really like looking at him, lol. He's so cute!!!

And through all of this, I have to wonder, Why my dad? There's plenty of people out there who deserve to be punished, like those who rape little kids or who just rape in general, murderers, thieves, baby killers, rapists, child molesters, all of them walk free with a slap on the wrist and my dad has to die? God is supposed to be so benevolent, just and merciful? What kind of 'benevolent God' does this? Why did my dad have to go? But then my aunt says that my dad was suffering in his last hours, and it you would have seen him, yeah he was suffering. He was totally out of it, he thought he was seeing things on the wall, his breathing got harder, and what is actually worse is that when he took his last breath and flatlined, me and my sis were in the room when he died. When that happened, it suddenly got colder in the room, and my aunt saw the life vanish from his eyes too. So then all 3 of us couldn't do anything because we were busy crying because we all had lost someone, she lost her brother, me and my sis lost our father. Hopefully time heals all wounds. Ever since the funeral, I've been in the process of moving in with my mom and stepdad. Things have been getting easier as time goes on, so I guess time is healing our wounds. I know there will be times when I feel like crying if I see something that reminds me of my dad, but I just gotta remember that he's up in heaven with my grandparents making them laugh because he was a joker. He always made us laugh. Whenever me, my sister and dad and aunt would go out somewhere, somehow my aunt would say something wrong, like pronounce a word wrong and they would start arguing in a funny way and me and my sis would be in the backseat almost wetting ourselves from laughing so much. I guess that's what I gotta do, is just remember all the good times, and not the bad.

And plus, around me, it had been raining cats and dogs, it has literally been like a 40 days and 40 nights kind of rain. It was raining when I went to school this morning and also today is when I had to learn how to ride a new bus line, the Metro bus of Cincinnati. The fare is high up, $1.75. That's alot for me I swear and when I got on the bus, I squeezed in next to a nice black lady reading a book. And I noticed that it was very crowded. But after today, I'll know when and where to get off the bus and walking a block and a half in pouring rain with my arms full with things like a thermos of coffee in one hand and holding my umbrella in the other, I was a sight to see I swear! And when I got to school, I looked like a drowned rat, the bottom of my jeans were all soaked, and my shoes were soaked all the way through to my bare feet.

And I also got to learn how to play pool. Man I suck!! 3:00 am is probably the latest I have ever stayed up, but with me and my sis now living with my mom and stepdad, I have a feeling that Saturday nights will be filled with my mom and stepdad emptying 6 packs of Bud Light teaching us how to play pool and music playing loudly on the stereo with my sister singing along to Green Day. We, as in my mom, stepdad, sister and me were up until 3:00 am on Saturday night playing pool with The Rolling Stones playing full blast on my stepdad's stereo. Nothing to help me concentrate more than Rock and a Hard Place blasting over the stereo, and my mom said I needed wine to ease up. I needed something a little stronger than that after the week I had!! But as time went on, I got progressively better. The only issue I have with pool is keeping the stick up to shoot, sometimes it's too heavy, so I guess that's why I had a training pool cue. Anyway, the stereo my stepdad has you can put up to 5 CDs in it, and it's a CD changer, meaning it will play all of the songs on 1 CD and then move on to the next CD. So naturally, I had to choose a CD of The Stones. I chose their Steel Wheels album, and my mom says jokingly "Oh you would have to choose that one." I was laughing at it, sorry, I'm easily amused, and I laugh at almost everything. So basically we all got to play pool while The Rolling Stones, Green Day, a band called Puddle of Mud and Pink Floyd played on the stereo. And I bought myself 2 puzzles, yay me. Can you believe that? I get excited because I bought a puzzle. God, I'm pathetic, I really need a life, lol!

Why do they have to all wear black? Couldn't they all wear some different color?

This one is going to kill me!!! And personally, George is the one with the cutest handdrawn picture.

When it rains, it pours.....

Things have not been going good or in my favor. For some reason, things seem to be going downhill for me. I just lost my aunt Mary this morning, she died in her sleep, my uncle Justin is rapidly losing his fight with Alzheimers, my dad recently quit smoking(good for him), but because of the moldy air out at his work place, he has developed pulmonary fibrosis. Yeah, you wouldn't believe what his building was built on top of: fill dirt! It was originally a landfill that his building was built over and because of the moldy air and all the bacteria and whatknot from that landfill, it has gotten into the ventilation system and is making everyone sick!!!!!! It's some kind of breathing disorder, and last night, when I came home from the library, I was shocked to find him sitting on the couch with a green tube attached to him and that was attached to an oxygen tank! My dad is on oxygen!! You know, when you're little, you think nothing can hurt your parents or make them sick, but when you get older, things change. I completely lost it last night, I just went into my room, and broke down into tears. What can I do? I wish there was something I could do but I don't know!! Recently, my dad had quit smoking, thank God for that, and according to the doctor he seen, smoking did not bring this on. He even said that before he went to the doctors, he was worried that they would tell him that he had emphysema or some kind of lung cancer, thank God it was none of those. But I'm still in the initial shock of seeing my dad on oxygen. I always thought parents were supposed to last forever, that they didn't get sick or whatever. Man was I in for a shock!?!


And as for other things, I've also been looking for a job that just doesn't seem to be out there. I've applied at virtually every place I can think of, but...nothing. I've had 2 very unsuccessful interviews, one was at this punk rock/new wave store. It's called Hot Topic and it's a pretty cool store. And I want someone to define irony for me, because in the interview, the woman, named Devan, said they were looking for someone who knows about heavy metal and what knot, not someone who listens to British rock. Yet 2 weeks after the interview, when I go in with my sister because she's there to pick up a hoodie she ordered, I see the same woman who did the interview, who coincidentally is the manager of that store, wearing a hole infested shirt with an image of the Sex Pistols' God Save the Queen album on it. WTF? I thought she didn't want British rock there? What the hell does she think The Sex Pistols do? They're a freakin 80s British punk band!! WTF is all I thought. And then I tried my luck at Krogers, a store near me, the interview went fine and they didn't call back. It wasn't until about a week later that my mom phoned me and said that the reason they didn't return my calls was that they didn't want to work with the hours I had given them, apparently they want someone who is not going to college. I'm currently attending a small technical school and they didn't want to hire me obviously, WTF? So basically last night I applied for over 15 different places, including this one place near me. It's a restaurant in a place called Crestview Hills, Ky, called The Pub, it's supposed to be the only and I mean ONLY place to get real authentic British food obviously. A friend suggested I try there because she was joking around and said "You'd fit in there perfectly." And I have to admit that she was right. I think that would be a fun place to work. So, I filled out the application and I'm going to give it a few days and call them back. Who knows? Maybe I'll land a job there. Just got to keep my fingers crossed. I really hope I land a job there. I think it would be cool to work in a British themed place, be awesome, maybe adopt an accent, lol! Just joking. But I think it would be cool, IDK if it's a curse, but I seem to know more about British culture than American culture. IDK if that's bad, but I don't care. It's what I like.

This World Stinks!

I'm so tired of hearing about these Reds and Bengals players getting $20 and $30 million for playing! What I'm really beginning to tire of hearing about is our economy, how it is going down in flames! I mean, people can't find jobs, teachers are losing their jobs, schools are closing, but the people of the supposedly, so-called great city of Cincinnati can afford to put in a streetcar, a casino? That sucks, sorry to be so rude about it, but that's how I feel! Do you want to know how I spent my summer? I spent it all trying to find a job! No one is hiring, and with the money issue, it's bigger than Mick Jaggers' lips for crying out loud! I can't buy books for school, I have to hope and pray that financial aid covers it! This one book I have to buy is $185! I can't afford that, no wonder kids don't go to college, it's so expensive! I can't cover it with money from my bank account--I don't have enough, I just about cleared out my bank money buying 2 other books! I just wish that this terribly ridiculous economy would just get better! Pardon my French  but this economy is going to h--- in a handbasket! Sorry to sound like I'm ranting on about something, but I just need to get it out of my system. I'm just tired of hearing about these ridiculous politicians lying to get in office and not doing squat about anything! Sometimes I just wonder if it's even worth going to college, I can barely afford it, right now I'm barely squeaking by for college money, I mean my grades are doing just fine, they are peachy, it's just the financial issue, I'm relying on a student loan to get me by! It Is ridiculous. Sorry to sound rude, but I'm just a little P O'ed that I can't get stuff I need for school or a job! I mean, I tried EVERYWHERE! Donato's called back and politely siad that they weren't hiring, and I'm hoping that Hot Topic in the Florence mall is hiring, because if so, I'm there!