If we are constantly criticized as children, not surprisingly, we won't think too highly of ourselves as adults. This article on MSN.com, by writer Beth Ann Mayer, and the page Parade, is quite frightening only because it's true. Psychology is a fascinating, but also frightening thing. How something that happens to us as children can affect us later down the road in adulthood. Psychology is one of my many interests
The people contributing their experience here include:
Dr. Erisa M. Preston, a licensed clinical psychologist
Dr. Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, a psychologist and media advisor for the Hope for Depression Research Foundation
Dr. Beth Pausic, a clinical psychologist with Kooth Digital Health
Dr. Gayle MacBride, a psychologist with Veritas Psychology Partners
1. Low self esteem
If you were told things like you didn't deserve love, kindness or nurturing as a child, or you were mocked for little things, then your self-esteem is going to be low. A licensed clinical psychologist named Dr. Erisa M. Preston says "It logically follows that you would believe those things, especially if you are not given other possible choices." She states that signs of low self-esteem include poor eye contact, slumped posture and difficulty advocating for yourself
2. Perfectionism
Failure is not an option. This is a mantra that some parents teach their children. They teach their kids that to fail is bad. To win is good. This puts a lot of pressure on a child to excel at everything, from sports to school to work and more. This will have the child setting impossibly high standards for themselves that may be unattainable. A psychologist named Dr. Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, who also works as a media advisor for the Hope for Depression Research Foundation, says "A child can learn that what they do is never good enough and will try to meet impossibly high expectations and standards as a way to please their caregivers. That is why you may set high expectations for yourself and have a hard time finishing things until they are perfect."
3. Negative self-talk
Everyone has an inner critic. You tell yourself that it's not possible to do this or that. Positive thinking is something that just seems out of reach. Dr. Pausic states "The criticism provided by caregivers can become something that the child (and later as an adult) continues on their own. Often, these adults are harsh self-critics and have difficulty breaking this pattern."
4. Difficulty accepting compliments
Negative talking also allows difficulty at accepting compliments to enter your life. It makes it hard to accept compliments, even from people you love. Dr. Gayle MacBride says "When someone constantly criticizes you, genuine compliments can feel confusing or undeserved."
5. Being hyper-critical of others
Being put down frequently as a child may not affect just the child. Dr. Preston replied that they also look for faults in others or simply assume the worst with people without giving them the benefit of doubt. It's a hard cycle to break, and if you're able to break it, you'll be better off. "You learn as a child that it is normal, expected and acceptable to speak to people in contemptuous and derisive ways. If that is predominantly what you have known, you would believe those are normal and appropriate ways to communicate with others."
6. Hyper-defensive attitudes
Being criticized frequently will make a child feel as though they are under a microscope. Caregivers only see their flaws instead of what they can contribute to society. Dr. Preston says "As a result, you learn to anticipate those criticisms, defend yourself at a moment's notice, and protect yourself in ways you may not have been able to as a child." Struggles with feedback can occur, even when it's designed to help improve your life
7. People-pleasing
Do you feel as though you can't say no to outings even if they don't interest you? Do you have this feeling that you are the last person on your own priority list? If you answered yes to both of these questions, you may be suffering from being a people-pleaser. Dr. MacBride says "A child who was frequently criticized might try to people-please or overly anticipate someone's needs to avoid even the appearance of negativity. They may prioritize others' needs over their own and have difficulty setting boundaries."
8. Self-reliance
Being self-reliant can be a good thing, but it can also be a thing born out of bad circumstances. Dr. MacBride states "But there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. These people become independent and resourceful but also can struggle to trust or connect with others. These individuals have learned 'I'm the only one who will be there for me,' and as such, they operate more like a 'lone wolf.' Remember that it's completely okay to ask for help
9. Social anxiety
Anxiety, especially social anxiety, is common in those who spent most of their childhood being criticized for one thing or another
"If we grow up in an environment where negative and critical feedback is consistent and constant, we may experience a lot of social anxiety because we never know when we're going to be on the receiving end of critical feedback. This anxiety can transform into social anxiety in adult relationships, and we may worry about what others are thinking about us and fear we will upset them." Dr. Lira de la Rosa replies
10. Comparison
Comparison robs us of joy and brings us struggles
"However, children who are consistently criticized will overly rely on comparing themselves to others because they may not have learned to trust their own skills and abilities. As adults, they may constantly compare themselves to other people and beat themselves up for not being like everyone else because they feel inadequate." says Dr. Lira de la Rosa
11. Constant apologies
Saying "I'm sorry" is a powerful thing. Saying it all day indicates something is going on
According to Dr. Lira de la Rosa, "Children may learn to apologize as a way to survive in a highly critical environment. They may continue to engage in this behavior as adults and may apologize for making mistakes or simply being themselves."
12. Trust issues
Trust is the big key to relationships. People who grew up with constant scrutiny and criticism may struggle with this
According to Dr. MacBride, "When a child's primary caregivers are critical, it can be difficult for them to trust others' intentions or motivations. Humans are a deeply social species that crave belonging and connection. Criticism tends to bring shame and severs the feeling of belonging. They may be guarded in their relationships and have difficulty forming close bonds."
13. Difficulty with regulating emotions
Childhood is a time to learn how to deal with and regulate emotions. "You're too sensitive" or "Just relax" may be what you heard on a frequent basis
Dr. Lira de la Rosa mentions "If children do not learn that their emotions are valid and normal, they can have challenges regulating their emotions as adults. Moreover, when children grow up in a highly critical environment, they may experience difficulties regulating what we call 'negative emotions.' They may feel them very intensely and do not know how to self-soothe during these moments."
There are ways to heal yourself from this trauma
1. Validate your feelings
Your caregivers may have made you feel as though your feelings were useless, but do not listen. Your feelings are important
Dr. Lira de la Rosa states "If you are healing from negative childhood experiences, remember that your younger self did the best to survive an invalidating and chaotic environment. As you begin to heal, it is possible that you are learning to honor and feel your emotions. This means that emotions will start slowly, sometimes rather quickly, and reach a really high point, but they will eventually subside. We can learn to ride this emotional wave, and by doing this, we are allowing ourselves to heal and process emotions that we likely did not get a chance to process in childhood."
2. Practice self-compassion
As you come to terms with emotions, practice self-compassion
-Dr. MacBride says "Often, I ask my clients to consider their self-talk. If it's not something they would tolerate hearing from a friend, they shouldn't say it to themselves. It is critical that we speak to ourselves in ways consistent with how we expect others to treat us."
3. Seek professional support
This is not a one person journey. You are completely allowed to seek professional help
-Dr. Pausic says "Depending on the impact of the childhood criticism, it can be highly beneficial to speak with a mental health professional who can provide guidance and assess the impact your childhood has had on your current functioning. They can provide strategies and tools for you to move past negative self-images and improve your confidence." Support groups also are recommended and a good suggestion
4. Put it in the past and leave it there
While this is easier said than done, it's possible to do so
According to Dr. Preston, "However, when you focus your current and future life on past events, you are looking backward instead of forward. Look at what you want for the future. Look at what you want for your current life. Determine what you need to do to get to that picture you have for yourself."
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